*UPDATE 17/05/2007*

I went to see the doc. After a few questions & poke and probes, the doctor told me I had something like a bacterial pharyngitis and gave me some pills. The thing that bothers me in that is that A) I don’t have much of any symptoms of a pharyngitis (which is mostly: Sore throath… and my throath is fine!). And the fact that he did all that in 5 minutes. It felt a bit: “I have to see the other 25 patients in the next 5 minutes, so take these pills they should be fine.”

Oh, and for the pain? … he gave me Ibuprofen… They’re freakin’ Advils (only a bit stronger). But then again, it’s much less painful today. No more fever, stomach is a bit weak but getting much better. Only thing that’s killing me is my neck!

Like the little tweaks to the layout? Yeah, it’s not quite there yet… it’s really not all that “me”. But at least it’s clean and easy to read!

*16/05/2007*

Oh yeah.

Yesterday, I had this… bump in my throath. I was like “Awh, damn it! Another flu!”. Oh hell, if I knew what my body had in story for me.

I was sleeping at Sarah’s place (it’s craaaaaaaazy huge. And empty :P) and I got really tired at 11. When we layed our head down to sleep, I started to notice my head was spinning and all. “Uh oh.” So after attemps of having fun & joking around, we both went to sleep. I think it was the longest night of my entire life (well that I can remember). I woke up EVERY hours. I was shivering for a minutes, then I was boiling up. I tried getting up on time to go to work but I felt like someone kicked me in the head. So I called in sick and went back to bed. I also did a little dance with the toilet of “Oh, I’m going to be sick… oh … no false alarm…”. It was pretty akward once I actually suceeding at getting and trying to live (there’s nothing worse then being sick somewhere you don’t really know, with people you don’t really know).

So, I went backhome (and caught some random traffic, just to add a little spice to my gagging), took some aspirin and watched a movie & went to sleep. That felt good. Movies are great cure for a lot of things (as I previously mentionned in my other post. And in my dizzy-stunned mood, I decided to “update” my blog (with a fresh new/unmodified template) and to write some stuff-up.

so here we go a list of Top 5 ways to pass time when you’re sick (this is written on top of my head and not something I had planned…):

#1 - Take a bowl of fresh-air.

Okay, let’s face it; you couldn’t care less about going outside and all! Well, as dumb as it sounds, it might be the best bowl you’ve ever taken. Somehow, that sweat & vomit smell that rest in your room is not the best way to clean up that head of yours.
Think about: You just might as well go to the pharmacy while you’re out of your sweaty sheets.
Big don’t: Public transportation, do I need to give you anymore details?

#2 - “You bloody pill-popper!”

That might just be me, but when I’m feeling like crap, I look for a cure. And guess what! Modern medecine has a pill for almost everything (Yeah! Even that burning sensation in your pants Steve.). This morning, I took a little trip to the pharmacy and thank god I did! I still feel like crap (trust me) but at least I don’t have a feeling i’m going to puke on anybody.
Think about: You can take the “organic” way and go with little teas and all. But that’s just for girl’s sickness
Big don’t: Take pills without reading the label. Yeah, as dumb as it sounds, I remember once in highschool where I confused “night time” with “day time” … long story short: I never found a math test to be such a comforting pillow.

#3 - Blog your pain!

This one sounds a little bit cheezy. But hey, nobody cares to see your sweaty/nasty coughing and whinny butt. So if you feel like talking or at least entertain your brain, do it with your finger (Because your breath is kicking right now. Try a mint man! Sheesh!)
Think about: You might have some real friends that wanna take care of you but right now, chances are you are one big walking disesase. So give some time to your body to chill
Big don’t: Write about “Oh how painful it is… existence is such a bitch”. Yeah, diseases are really never fun anyways! So i’d sggest that you hammer on some random past experience or articles! (Yeah, I know I kind of whined at first… but hey … i’m in TERRIBLE pain. Hahahaha!)

#4 - “You’re still sleeping?”

I hate sleeping normally. I feel it’s a waste of time. BUT if you’re sick, you’ll need it. If you follow my other tip (like pills & movies) you should be Rzzzz-ing in no time. If this doesn’t work, try calling that boring friend of yours that talks for hours on end.
Think about: You don’t want someone busting your balls, therefor close the door and leave it shut . You need peace and silence dude. Well, that might not be true because I like to put a little soft music to sleep in the afternoon. Your choice!
Big don’t: Don’t let that nagging mother in… even though she loves you and take cares of you, that won’t stop her from nagging. After all, you’re only in pain! Pft, wuss. Oh and don’t invite friends over, as I said, they’ll just get infected from you and prevent you from having your beauty sleep.

#5 - My favorite friends: Movies.

Again, as I mentionned in my “Top 5 cures to a break-up”, movies are your bestfriend. Even with a throbbing headache, being in someone else’s shoes for a couple of hours will make you feel much better.
Think about: You might want to lay down while watching the movie, so that when it’s over, you can just mute it and go to sleep (since you’ve been lying for an hour or two, your sleep will come fast.)
Big don’t: Hillarious movies, gore movies and sad movies. Though must of us thrills on those, nothing sounds worse then tickling your funny bone while your head is splitting open from the pressure.

Well, i’m still sick, so i’ll take my advice; Take some pills, take a shower and go to sleep.

MAL’s out ! (Tell me what you think about the layout. Don’t worry, i’ll make it black soon enough ! Hehe!)

Hear ye, Hear ye. He is back!

Yes people, i’m back with a fresh new article! This time around, I go through the list of times I thought: “Why the hell are they doing this?”. I’m (unfortunately?) usually a good “dry-shoulder” for ladies to go cry on and let me tell you, i’ve heard them all. And seriously, most of these… are just stupid, right of the bat. Here we go:

“Honey-boo, let’s have a kid!”

Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. And parenting is a great thing. EXCEPT… when you’re 20. Or you’ve known your wife for 6 months. I’ve actually knew a chick that on the second date, she asked if I’d like to have kids within THE YEAR. As any sane human being, I did the most logical thing I could do: Dump her ass. A week later, she was with another man. I also know a guy who had a kid from his highschool girlfriend. Sheesh man, we’re not in the 50’s anymore! If there’s something, there’s no way your highschool love is the love of your life (do some math… 6.6 billion people… you met her ON THE FIRST TRY. Yeah. Right. Try the lottery pal!). On the other hand, mistake happens. I know a single mother that is getting through life rather well. I still think that she could’ve tried an another approach… but hey, her choice!.

Bottom line: Have kids when you’ve been together for 5 years, lived together for at least 3 and when you stop oggling that sexy co-worker.

“Sweetcake… Let’s rent a place!”

Again, sharing your day to day life with your sweet-half… can be great (I guess). BUT NOT, when you’ve been going out for 3 weeks. A good friend of mine, picked this guy randomly from a bar (as most ladies do…). Ya-di-ya-da. Couple of weeks later… they were living together. And right there and then, things got sour. Problems at work… problems when going out… sharing the same vital space = One HUGE screamfest. Now, they’re doing the salsa of “Get out of here!” and “Come back, please!”. It’s a shame… two wonderful person, ruined by a stupid idea.

Bottom line: DON’T LIVE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Hell, even when you’re married, don’t live together. You can do that when you’re 50 and bored with your sex life. And talking about sex life…

“Honey, you know I love you … but let’s be modern here!”

This one … is still a puzzle to me. Open couple where the main rules is “You can fuck anyone… as long as I don’t know about it, and I can do it too. By the way, I love you.”. Oddly enough … that always seemed to either end on a hateful scream and lots of cries … or a mountain of “You f*cking slut! You slept with WHO?!?”. Wow. Who would’ve thought! I can understand the need to fuck stranger just for the sex but, yeah. That’s what happens!

Bottom line: If you want an open couple, you don’t want a couple.

“Cutie bear? You remember my friend Sharon, right? Funny subject came up…”

Threesomes… can be an interesting memory. But that is if it’s not with your better half. Threesomes are like f*ck-friends, you do them out of sheer pleasure & adventure. You don’t do that with your better half! Even drunk … because guess what? It’s bound to fill your couple with doubts, little “Why is he enjoying fucking her so much…” or the casual “Hey… she’s really digging that carpet job… uhm…”.

Bottom line: Keep your sex fantasies safe and out of reach of your loved one (… I’m not saying cheating here… duh.)

“Baby, you know I love you as much as I would if you were right here…”

My personnal favorite: Long Distance Relationship. The thought of the logic behind this is simply laughable. When you love someone… you want to be with them. You want to wake up and see their sleepy eyes open and see their bright (yet slightly smelly) smile. You want to hug them close… Now, imagine doing these things with an ocean between you and your loved one. Sounds logical? Get your head checked. I knew a chick that had a boyfriend in FRANCE (while we were in Montréal, Québec)… COME ON ! I, of course being nice as I am, broke them off. I’m not one to screw-up someone’s else couple … unless I think it’s pure crap. And this one, was the mother load.

Bottom line: 15 miles radius people.

So that’s it. Oh well, I also thought about the “Hey honey! Let’s try inter-species beastiality!” but … couldn’t think of anything funny to go with that. … Pouhahaha.

Allright, first the website-related “ouh!”. I got a little email alert that one of my articles was picked-up by a blog carrousel about relationships: Give Me Closure. My article was describle as:

“[..]a Top 5 List of break-up cures in an AskMen.com type of format. The style is light-hearted to give a humorous angle to a heavy subject. […] Those warnings are useful for some of us who do take things literally. Thanks, Mal.”

Hahaha I thought that was pretty funny (especially the AskMen.com type! Hahaha) but I’m not sure I get the “who do take things litterally”… Uhm. Anyways.

Next “Ouh!”. Lately, I’ve been listenning a lot to Lily Allen (Especially her song “Smile”). Hum, First Lady SOV, now Lily. I think I got something for british chicks! Anyways, I was listenning to her cd on the way back from work … and what do I hear??

It’s the Specials!! Yeah! It’s hilarious. Lady sovereign did a cover of “Pretty Vacant” from the Sex Pistols … and now Lily Allen goes Ska! No wonder that she likes it with those reggae-ish beats in the backgrounds.

And last but not least. “Ouh! Mini-Article!”. Yes. For some reasons, I wanted to do another “Top X” list. This time:

Top 10 things: That I love in a woman

I’m not talking about looks here. I’m talking about everything else:

Note: These aren’t in any particular order

#10: Perfume/Smell. For some reason, that’s the one that pops right out in my mind as soon as I ask myself the question. I once dated a girl with bad breath… and God, it was nasty (thank god she lost that habit). But i’m a big fan of perfumes (not the overwhelming “punch in the face”). There’s nothing better, then an attractive women, with an attractive smell.

#9: Humor. For me, that’s a REALLY important feature. A chick that can’t laugh… is not worth talking to. There’s nothing more beautiful, then a beautiful women smilling.

#8: Style/Fashion. No, i’m not talking Gucci here. I’m talking about an Identity. I find nothing more boring, then a gorgeous woman… wearing boring common clothes. Come on ladies, you’ve got a perfect silouette, USE IT. Nothing sexier then a cute girl with some clothes that says “That’s me!”. Do you put the nicest roses… in crappy torn newspaper?

#7: Intelligence. That’s pretty obvious. I went out once with an airhead… and yeah, that’s really not fun. Sure, for a one night stand, I guess it could do (mutual physical attraction, I guess). But in the long run? Go for the ladies that can whip your ass at scrabble (or at least give you a good challenge). A book with an incredible front page… is nothing but just a front page. You’ll be done with it within minutes.

#6: Sexual Attitude.. That’s clearly a personnal preference… but I think that also contains major “no-no’s”. If a chick says to a guy “Shut up, I know what I’m doing” and the guy is in pain… she clearly DOESN’T know what she’s doing (by the way, that goes both ways. Communication people! Try it.). My favorite attitude for a lady … is submissive, but challenging. Nobody wants a free cookie… we all want a free cookie that had to deal for or … maybe steal when someone wasn’t looking It all taste sweeter.

#5: Knows when to talk. As stupid as this sounds, some people just don’t know when to shut up. At the other end, some people just never talk. So I think it’s just simply a question of compability and balance.So in short: Don’t talk to say nothing nor keep silent what you want to scream.

#4: Open minded. Back to the airhead. There’s nothing worse that a supperficial women that goes “Eww, that’s like … you know … so not hot.”. Get out of here Nicole Ritchie. She’s so not cool anyways (hahaha.)

#3: Optimistic. I’ve been down too, and i’ve delt with my fair share of dark ladies… but this is just bad. Usually, their self-hating will just go on the other person making them feel horrible. So, back to the smile, nothing is better then an happy and cheerful woman.

#2: Creative & resourceful. That goes a little bit the intelligent point… but in my opinion, it deserves it’s own category. I love when I ask something to a girl and she can’t do it … that she figures out a way on her own to do it instead of just going “uh, I don’t know, tee hee”. I mean, it happens that we really don’t have a clue… but TRY.

#1: Punctuality. People that are always late can translate only to one thing: I don’t give a flying f*ck about you. But that stand for guys and girl. Nothing worse then someone who shows up late, with a shaky reason (or even worse, no reason at all :o).

Some other things I personnally look for in a women: Shoes (yeah, not only chicks do that. Shoes tell a lot about a person), attitude (yeah, you’re so fashioncore that nobody gives a…), social (nobody like the TOO quiet type) and not too huge a slut (sex is important and really good… but someone that constantly offer it up too easy or “tease” people with it… that’s just annoying.).

So that’s it for today! Whew… that was a loooong post. I think i’ll make an article of that Top 10 … uhm, maybe. What do you think? Did I miss something?

*Warning:**

This contains a LOT of mature language & is really heavily opinion-based…

I’m one of them… Definately. I’m on my way to recovery, and I now I know why I can’t even stand seeing someone like that (I mean, I’m a whinning guy… but at least I TRY to do something about it). Yesterday, a acquaintance of mine came to me with some weird rambling about how she was a loser. Long story short, she fucked the wrong guy… same thing with her bestfriend. Bleh, oldest story in the book.

But it got me thinking of that self-abusive and attention-seeking behavior. I’ve very rarely done that… but I know OF them. I mean whinning and bitching is human… but JUST doing that and seeing that as a form of « action » is stupid. I can’t actually quite put my finger on what makes me want to puke so bad about it… but it just reminds me of weak and stupid people that I know (mind you, i’m not saying that everyone that whines is weak or stupid… but most of them.).

Exhibit A:

Girl fucks the wrong guy…or vice versa, blah blah blah.

The bad: « I’m turning into a lesbian » « Men are so… »

My opinion: SHUT THE FUCK UP! You are NOT going to switch to pussy just because you got fucked by some moronic jackass (Yeah, don’t be a redneck and think « Gay is a choice », you twat.).

Oh while we’re on the subject: No, he’s probably NOT a player. I hate how all stupid cunts use that words nowadays. « Oh, he screwed my bestfriend 2 months later. He’s such a fucking player… ». No, he is most likely NOT. A player, is a guy who has an overwhelming charisma and confidence (and probably a nice mercedes to go with it). He’s able to pick up a girl in a local bar and bang her on the same night. If the guy actually knows your mother’s name, took you out to a few nice restaurant… you were just dating you dumb twat! That’s not a player! At worst, he just gets around a little bit too much. Luck is, he’ll probably have is jaw replaced someday by some jealous boyfriend or something… so stop drinking and just do something with yourself.

Exhibit B:

« I have no friends… » « I’m so lonely… ».

This’ll be my slightly self-bashing moment because lately I noticed how much I really have any good close friend (hey, I am writting this on a SATURDAY NIGHT. I mean come on! I’m fucking 22 yrs old. I should be partying my ass off.) BUT, I know that this shit is my fault. I’m a safe guy. I hate to play it risky. I think about the consequences and it prevents me from doing a ton of stupid shit. It makes me whimpy! I don’t like drinking and I don’t have a big ego (nor a mercedee for that matter) so what the fuck could I have? Yeah, sure I have a little charisma, but that only gets you so far. I think that people who are stuck at the level, are a bit retarded. I mean it’s an unfortunate status sure… but whinning to everybody about it sure as hell doesn’t help you. I don’t really have a solution for this one (if I did … I probably wouldn’t even be writting this in the first place anyways) but my best guess would be: Kick your own ass. People don’t really give a shit about you and neither should you. If your friends don’t take time to return your call (because if you never try to do anything … then you’re just fucking dumb) then fuck them. Find some people that actually do care about you and want to take you out. And if nobody wants to take you out … uh … check a mirror or something.

Don’t forget: Love and friendship are only temporary mutual necessity.

Oh yeah, remember to ignore those “so call” friends later on when they need your help. It might seem childish … but… uh … Who cares anyways?

Exhibit C:

«He doesn’t care for me…» « We’re always fighting/screaming with each other »Alright, I’ve dealt enough with crying little twats to know this one.

Two steps:

1- Talk it out.
2- LEAVE EACH OTHER AND DON’T LOOK BACK!

Yeah. Simple as that. Love sucks and it hurts. But you’ll be back on your feet… someday. If the possiblity of going back together arise again … Take a breather… think again … AND LEAVE! If it fucked once… you’re just both looking for some comfort. (unless the break-up was due to something circomstancial)

Exhibit D:

«I miss him/her»

We all do. Tough shit. Life’s tough. Get used to it. Beside you’ll have forgot everything about him/her as soon as you bang that new intern at your job.

The end…

for now.

This article took a weird twist. I didn’t really intend on it to start like that but … Hahaha… It’s pretty funny. Oh! And if someone tells you « I’m tired of hearing you whine »… fucking ignore the fucker. That’s not a friend speaking, that’s a mindless idiotic aquaintance that you should forget about immediately. That kind of people will fuck you over in a blink if it means they can get “better friends”. So I guess it would be a good mutual thing that you ignore that person in the future. A friend will always try to help you… I mean, I guess. I don’t have much of those… so I wouldn’t really know … Gosh … I’m so lonely …

HAHAHAHAHahaha. Psych! Losers.

I promised it a long time ago (two weeks ago, I think… geez.) and here it is. The follow-up to the highly succesful article “Top 5 Break-up Cures”. For those who didn’t quite understand the title… this is a list of No-No Here’s the list:

Top 5 Stupid Break-Up Cures:

5- Get Drunk.

Wow, that would be stupid. I’m sure you can guess the typical scene; the drunk guy/girl sobbing in the corner of a dark bar… and finds a loving ear and a dry shoulder to help…

Reality: A girl/guy screaming and spewing snot all over the bar… trying to get attention and love from anything around. You can add any of those to the end (you can even mix!):
A) Police
B) Good Beat-down from local bar-goer
C) One hell of a shitty night/ Puke/ Hang Over.

In any cases, do you REALLY think drinking will help your problem? No. It’ll only make things shittier.

4- Get High.

WOW, now you’re just trying to hurt yourself aren’t you? Yeah, drugs are good for numbing… and also distorting reality. Of course, you’ll just daze away the pain…

Reality: OR You’ll bad-trip like you never did. No matter the drug… you’ll feel those darn side-effects. Just try to imagine… someone badtripping and having hallucination… WHILE being depressed. Sounds fun, no?

3- Sleep with a rebound.

Ha! that’ll show him/her, right!? … Nope! It’ll only make you feel like horrible sh… Fulfilling the emptyness, by going completely irrationnal and articial will only make matters worse. Though the effect might not be as evident as the alcohol and drugs… they’ll follow you around for a good while (especially if you didn’t wear that little rubber friend of yours…).

Beside… I think her sister/brother is out of bound for at least a month. Awh fine! Two weeks.

2- Listen to an Emo band, or much worse, START an emo/soft rock or any sort of whinny crappy music

I think the name says it all. Starting a band named something like “My bleeding heart is the love for the fashion dead birds from tears” (MBHISTLFTFDBFT … for the cool kids…) will most likely get more hatemail then fanmail. And for the love god… go drink instead.

1 - Call your ex/ See her/him again.

We all did it. If you haven’t done it … you probably will. BUT DON’T. It is the most stupid idea you can do. It’s like mixing a drink with drugs while having sex with your emo band mate. It will probably happen if you do 5, 3 and 2. Just so you know.

Well that’s it for this “quick” article (still took me an hour to write…)